While most people associate grief with the aftermath of a loss, grief can also begin before the loss occurs-a phenomenon known as anticipatory grief. This kind of grief arises when individuals begin mourning in advance, often in response to a terminal diagnosis or a slow decline of someone they love. Unlike the grief we typically know, anticipatory grief encompasses a mix of hope, dread, and preparation, making it a uniquely layered experience.
Symptoms of anticipatory grief are similar to other grief: guilt, anxiety, loneliness, irritability, sadness, fear, anger, depression, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances and changes in appetite.
What is the difference between mourning and grief?
Grief is “the raw emotion of learning about the death of a loved one.” This is the immediate reaction to loss.
Mourning is the “process of sharing your pain and sorrow with others.” This is the part that our society has dumbed down over the last several decades. If we mourn in isolation, we stay stuck there, because we can’t move forward. This private grief feeds/promotes our shame in our pain.
Megan Devine describes anticipatory grief so well in this video. Megan is a psychotherapist who became a grief advocate after losing her partner, provides practical advice and insightful conversations that normalize grief.
Most deaths are sudden, unexpected and timely. 90% of the time, we don’t get the opportunity to say goodbye. Anticipatory grief is the time between the finite understanding that the time is near, and the loss.
Anticipatory grief is grueling, but if you find yourself in this experience, here are a few tips from Daniel Hernandez, Thanatologist and our facilitator for our ongoing 8-Week Grief Group.
1. Have conversations with your loved ones. Use this time to really hash through topics you deem important. Ask them to name 5 things they would want you to know about them. This is also a prompt for you to share with them.
2. Let them know how significant they are to you. Many people wait until it’s too late to share feelings. Regret and resentment can take over and make it difficult to move forward.
3. Say all the things. Don’t hold back. If there are any issues in the relationship, both old or new-talk it out. When this is done there is no room left for guilt.
What if it’s too late?
Since most of us don’t get this opportunity to say goodbye, we are left with all this unsaid.
“I wish I would have come clean about …”
“If only I would have told her about…”
“I should have asked him more about his…”
If you are in the active stage of wishing you would have had this opportunity, there are still steps you could take to help process your grief.
Give yourself grace. You can’t go back and change the past, so give yourself a big hug and speak love into your broken self.
Find yourself a good grief group or therapist to assist you in this difficult time. Remember, if you don’t go through the process of openly sharing your pain and sorrow, you will continue to experience it, but in a state of lonely isolation. (Our next 8-week grief group with Daniel Hernandez begins in August and will be held on Thursdays. Start date DBD.)
Write a letter to your loved one saying all the things you never got to say. The process of writing this letter probably won’t be easy or enjoyable, but necessary if you want to move forward. (If you’re curious about writing and need an immediate audience of strangers but fellow grievers, you’re welcome to attend one of our” Writing as a Healing Art” workshops with Jan Haag. See our calendar of events for our next one.
We hope that these tips can open space for meaningful connection, closure and the opportunity to express love and gratitude with your loved one. Anticipatory grief presents significant challenges, but it also is a testament to the depth of our bonds and the human capacity to hold space for both love and loss all at once.