To cry is to be human and the expression of tears is not new. The history of crying can be traced back to the earliest written records of tears dating back to the fourteenth century B.C. The rituals of tears are well documented and traced in the Hebrew Bible according to Tom Litz author of “Crying the Natural and Cultural History of Tears.”
So, what happened? Perhaps we have become desensitized to the tears because of the tremendous exposure to death that we see in our society via the media. What is a known fact is that as a society we have little tolerance for those who are grieving and less for those who shed tears.
How Cultures Influence Reactions to Crying
In Western cultures, it is typical to allow some amount of crying after a loss or traumatic event, however only up to a point before someone is considered “hysterical, overly dramatic, or attention seeking. This behavior is seen as emotional instability, and of course you are…you’re mourning a loss! Don’t feel pressured into taking sedatives just to stop crying. It’s not you, it’s them. Grief is “hurried” because people are awkward when it comes to seeing someone in pain. Our culture tends to be grief-avoidant and therefore glosses over the process of actual mourning the loss of a loved one.
In Eastern cultures, expressing your emotions through “keening” (sobbing loudly and even wailing is considered a normal part of grief and mourning. In Tibet, the Buddhist mourning period following a funeral lasts 49 days. In Hindu families in India, relatives and friends come together to support the immediate family in a 13 day ritual.
In some cultures and religions, celebrations of life last weeks or even months. In Bali, Indonesia, mourning is brief and tearfulness is discouraged. If family members do cry, the tears must not fall on the body. However, in Egypt, it is seen as healthy and normal to still be grieving after seven years. In america, this is considered “prolonged grief disorder” in the DSM-5. (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses)
The Biology of Tears
A brief dive into the biological purpose of tears will hopefully give you the courage to embrace yours when they flow and help others understand why they are necessary for all humans.
There are three types of tears:
basal (they keep your eyes lubricated),
reflex (help you to wash out any irritations to your eyes from foreign particles or vapors)
psychic/emotional tears (produced in response to strong emotions)
~Emotional tears, expressed by all humans are a universal response to pain, disappointment, anger, suffering, compassion, empathy, joy, and sadness.
~Emotional tears are chemically different than other kinds of tears. These tears play a healing role, in our emotional and physical well-being. Emotional tears actually contain a natural painkiller, leucine enkephalin. crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins, out of our bodies. These chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain. They contain stress hormones and other toxins to literally flush out your system.
~Crying can lower your blood pressure.
~Crying is self-soothing. (Rest & Digest) This is why you feel a release or a “soothing effect” after you cry for a bit.
~There is beauty in your tears and their connection to your humanity. It’s all a part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which means your body is working exactly the way it was designed.
~Finding a safe space to express all your emotions is necessary in the grieving process. You have to feel in order to heal, but first you have to feel safe in order to do this.
How do I support someone who is crying?
First, assure them that crying is a natural response. Encourage them to cry when they need it and don’t feel pressure to talk. It’s ok to feel and be awkward in your words. You don’t have to say the perfect thing; you just need to be present.
Don’t try to shorten the duration of crying. Sit with them and offer comfort with your closeness. People in grief don’t need to be fixed, they need to be seen. They need you to hold their hand or to be hugged. The only way to truly help is to allow them to have their pain.
Be honest. It’s perfectly acceptable to just show up and say something like, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m here and I want to be.”
“Your job is to bear witness to something beautiful and terrible—someone else’s pain—and to resist the very human urge to fix it or make it right.”
~Megan Devine
Give yourself permission to cry and share this human emotion with your support system. Everyone cries~ Let’s normalize it! Give yourself and others the courage to shed tears freely and unapologetically.
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