Every now and then, I allow myself to think of how life would be if you had not died that day.
If you had not decided to fly over the ranch that day in the Piper Cub on June 2, 1976.
If you had just stayed home with your wife and child, maybe you would still be here.
What if you would have driven over to ranch headquarters; a mere 200 yards from the house to chat with your dad instead?
What if you had just made other plans with friends, like working on your Model-T Ford?
What if the wind conditions that day were different and your plane hadn’t been forced down, crushing your windpipe and body?
What if the small hospital in the closest town had been able to treat your injuries in time?
What if they hadn’t needed to transfer you to another nearby hospital where they thought they could save you?
What if the ambulance hadn’t broken down on the way to that other hospital?
What if you hadn’t died that day?
How would my life be different today, 49 years later?
Would I felt more loved?
I can look back now and know with certainty, that I have felt God’s fingerprints on my story…not to replace you or bring you back, but to carry your legacy throughout mine.
I have learned that there is a time to be broken, and a time to be glued and stitched back together, piece by piece.
I have experienced the void of life without you and the fullness of your memory through stories of those who knew you and loved you.
I have had the blessing of both your life and your memory.
Even if I allow myself to wander here, to this “what if” place every now and then, I can’t stay for long.
But while I’m here, I just want to say, “Even though I miss the though of what could have been, I know that a piece of you has been with me all along.”
There is no way to make tragedy beautiful. I can wish my story had been different, and still be grateful for the life that unfolded. Grief has taught me to carry both what breaks me and what builds me in the same breath. I hope you can someday find a way to experience the same.
All my love,
Jill
Pictured above: Little Jill at the Stone Land Company Ranch, watching Daddy John take off in the plane that took his life.