The holidays can be brutal for someone after a loss. This time is often thought of as a time of “togetherness” and yet the person you want to be “together with” is no longer there.

To heal from your pain, you need a healthy balance of solitude and interaction. This is especially important when you feel that heaviness as the holidays are approaching. You can feel it in your body, that you’re just not ready for all the feels this season will bring.

You might be feeling overwhelmed by all that is coming and you feel like running into the woods until 2027. But what is right for you? How do you decide if you can handle social settings or need some quiet time alone? And how much is too much one one thing?

David Kessler reminds us, “You’re not a grinch, you’re in grief”. It’s ok to not feel happy, and it’s ok to recognize when you need to be alone.

What’s the difference between solitude and isolation?

Solitude is when you need some time just to be alone with your memories and your thoughts. You’re choosing intentional time to connect with yourself.

Isolation is when you begin to shut people out of your life, staying at home and not choosing opportunities to Isolations separates you from receiving what we were wired for…connection.

Deliberate solitude gives you restorative time to rest and process feelings. Unintentional isolation cuts you off and can lead to heavy stress or negative thought spirals.

Why Solitude Feels Necessary

Rest for the nervous system: Being around others requires energy, conversation, and emotional management that you may not have right now.
Space to feel: Solitude gives you a quiet place to cry, reflect, process memories, and sit with your emotions without feeling rushed or judged.
Relief from expectations: You get a break from answering questions, pretending to be "strong," or managing other people's discomfort.
Biological response: The push-pull between wanting connection and wanting isolation is a natural way your body regulates high cognitive load and stress.

It is, however important to recognize when your solitude turns into an unhealthy coping mechanism. Harmful isolation happens when pulling away turns into a long-term pattern where you stop answering people you care about, spiral into heavy negative thoughts, or feel completely stuck.

To experience the benefits of solitude and interaction, it’s important to evaluate situations before you’re in them. Ask yourself these questions:

If I choose to be with people today, will I:

Be willing to talk about my loved one and share memories about him/her if opportunities arise?
Safely express my grief if I am ambushed by difficult emotions?
Be honest and ask for any needed help?

If I choose to be alone, will I:

Take time to dwell on my latest feelings and thoughts?
Talk to God or others about those feelings, seek help and accept it?
Avoid the temptation to numb my pain?

If you would answer “no” to any of those questions, rethink going into the situation, or take steps to make the experience more beneficial. For instance, if you realize you might not be able to talk about your loved one at an event, write a letter to give to those attending beforehand.

If you realize that when alone, all you think about is your sadness and despair, plan to occupy your time with an activity such as a creative activity, something active, reading, or a prayer or devotional.

The key takeaway is to think before committing to time alone or time with others and setting boundaries. Do what feels right for you, but recognize when you might be slipping into unhealthy habits that are detrimental to your overall wellbeing.

Reflect:

When you choose to be alone, what do you tend to do?
After you spend time with others, what was something positive about the experience?

Give yourself permission to spend the holidays in the way you need most. Take some time before the holiday season arrives to reflect on where you are in your grief and what you might need this year to honor your tenderness.

Adapted from GriefShare Survival Guide for Navigating the Holidays After Loss.

To watch Surviving The Holidays from Grief Share and learn more about joining a group, watch this video.